they always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
it’s 1:20 in the morning as i’m typing these very words. it has been exactly three months since my boyfriend and i broke up. i’m still stuck on him. don’t get me wrong, i’ve tried to let go. i’ve tried to detach myself from him.
it doesn’t work.
ever.
i had the chance to have him back. but i let it slip by. and now he’s slipping through my fingers. (okay, so i stole that from a song, and it has a completely different meaning right now.) he wanted me back, and now he doesn’t. if i would have just said yes… if i wouldn’t have worried about what everyone else was thinking, or that my family doesn’t like him, or that my friends hate him… if i would have just said yes, i could be so happy right now. but time has gone by, and things have changed.
just tonight he told me he doesn’t want to be settled down so young. (well, we’ve talked about this before. but this is just tonight i’m talking about.) he doesn’t want it to just be the same girlfriend throughout highschool and college, and then get married. he wants to play the field.
…he’s right. we’re only seventeen; we’re too young to be settled down. except, the thought of him with another girl gets me so upset. i asked him when he thought it might work between us, and after some thought, he told me toward the end of college.
FML. i can’t wait that long. i want him now. i just want to be with him.
really, i just want to stop being pathetic. but more than that, i just want to be with him. i want him to think i’m the prettiest girl, even if there are prettier girls out there. and i’m not. at least, not right now.
so what’s probably going to happen is we’ll go through the rest of highschool (one more year. woot.) as good friends, then during college we’ll lose contact with each other. maybe once it’s close to over we’ll find each other again. maybe we’ll attempt to make things work, but too much time will have passed, and we’ll be different people.
the sad reality of things is i need to move on, for my own health. things will happen, if they’re supposed to happen.
can my hair at least GROW A LITTLE FASTER PLEASE?! my god. i’d at least like to have nice hair for a change. it’s looking super shitty lately.
if you’re wondering, the title of this stupid rant is from Andy Warhol. good night.
//erin.
